Perfectionism.

If my style of perfectionism had to be described in psychological terms, it’d be Covert Parisian Maladaptive Self-Oriented Perfectionism. What a mouthful. This means the way I infer everyday situations is self-critical, driven by fear, and not always seen by outside eyes.

I have always had a competitive edge and in the equestrian world, perfectionism gave me a one-up on my competition. If I didn't win that weekend, I would run harder in my workouts, stay up all night doing sit-ups, calf raises, and kickbacks on my floor, or watch videos on how to better ride instead of doing my homework. There was never a healthy relationship with ‘giving it my all’ where I could say “Oh well! I’ll get it next time!”. It was either I won, or I didn't. And when I won, I never felt proud of myself, just that I had to one-up myself the next weekend.

When I got to college and took a break from riding, I felt like a failure. As if everything I had done and built my life upon for years was gone and I ended up in a small depressive episode. As a kid, I never felt perfectionism for my grades like some of my friends had (though I probably would have if I hadn’t been riding). So in college the way perfectionism would show up was in social interactions and how I was performing in them. A successful day was one where I made people laugh and didn't act like an idiot in front of people, to my own standards. I remember thinking how weird I was and how people treated me like I was a circus animal. I wasn’t capable of normal conversations, it was always something to make people laugh so I would be liked. And that’s the way it was until my junior year. Post-covid did me so right and the time I spent at home gave me a break from the social pressure I had been feeling at school. That August, I joined a sorority as a junior - which felt horrifying at the time - but now am so grateful for because I found my best friends there.

I had really let up on my perfectionism until the end of senior year when I started yoga teacher training. I thought this experience was going to help me through my tendencies but it made me feel more competitive and I started comparing my practice to the others in my group. Towards the end of the 200 hours, I was burnt out from striving and felt like giving up because whatever I did would never be enough. I would say words weird while I was teaching, fall while doing a headstand, or lose my flow completely. It had still never occurred to me the pressure I was placing on myself.

After this, I moved to Nashville, TN and fell into the same trap I did when I started college. I had no outlet for my perfectionism and this started what I like to call my very own Year of Rest and Relaxation (MUST READ BOOK!). I gained weight and became super insecure of myself, questioning every choice I make until I no longer made any choices. It was at the time where I wanted to start posting on social media but would talk myself out of it every time based on what other would think of me or that every time I tried to make a reel, it would never be perfect.

The reason I think perfectionism is coming back into my life right now is because it’s the way I grasp onto control. This is a high-stress time in my life where we are moving states and starting new jobs. If I don’t do something now, I fear that I never will and that’s what I wanted this post to be. Facing my fear that you are having your own opinions about this entry, about me. And choosing not care. I don’t know if you loved it or think I’m an idiot but I’m no longer making it my problem to worry about.

My goal with this practice is to release the pressure I put on myself and to just have fun and try new things without needing to be the best. As well as this, release caring about what others think about me / worrying that I’m messing up.

Thanks for reading along xx